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Love. XXX

On Sunday, I felt like I was dying. I feel pain. Pain so great that I couldn't really describe it. It was like a period pain - but very severe that it was disabling. I was trying to cope with it. I tried to throw up in the toilet, I tried to get it out of me. I had diarrhea. And I vomited stomach acid. Or whatever you call it. I didn't eat. I didn't know what was causing such pain - the back of my mind told me that it was due to the coming of menstrual because I go through severe pain every month during my period. So I just told myself to cope with it. I told myself that a billion of other females are going through the same process, and there was no need to be such a weakling. So I tried to hold the pain in. But the more I held the pain inside, the more I get more tense. And the more tense I became, the more difficult I felt it was to breathe. Without my realization I was cold sweating. I felt very weak but when I tried lying down on my bed, I had to keep my knees close to my chest because my body felt painful. I could not relax and I wanted to just squeeze the pain out of my body. So I went back into the toilet to try to "release" my pain through trying to throw up. But nothing is going on except me bleeding all over the toilet bowl... and the pain wouldn't go away. And the more I try to cope with it, the more painful I felt. I felt uncomfortable, I felt tensed, I felt miserable. Tears started to creep out, not because I told them to, but because the feeling was too overwhelming. And that was all that I could handle. I decided to give up. I decided to let it all go. I decided to just let destiny decide whatever that I am going through and whatever that was going to happen to me. And it was then, that my body collapsed. It was then when I felt pins and needles creeping all over me. My fingers felt crooked. Black spots start to contaminate my vision - and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor.

I think hospital air contains psychological healing auras because once I was transferred to the hospital bed, my pain seemed to fade off bit by bit. I felt more relaxed. And I could finally breathe again.

* * *

They took my blood. And my right arm is bruised - it has an ugly deep red scar that looks like a 2D kidney bean followed by blackness around it and a bit of green and yellow.

The ultrasound was actually painful. I feel pain in my uterus as the doctor rolled her gelled tool over my lower abdomen.

I was told that I have endometriosis, a medical condition in women in which endometrial cells are deposited in areas outside the uterine cavity - in other words, it means I've got cells going to places that they're not supposed to go and causing me pain.

Symptoms include nausea, heavy and long menstrual periods, mood swings and fatigue, disabling menstrual cramps, lower back and abdominal pain, painful sex, painful bowel movements... oh, the list goes on.

For now, I have been given birth control pills to reduce the swelling of my menstruation. Hopefully this will reduce the pain that I go through. The doctor told me that the cause of my fainting spells is actually pain. Pain made me faint. And it wasn't my first time fainting. My blood pressure drops severely when severe pain occurs. The vomiting and diarrhea are caused by the endometrial cells (I'm guessing "womb cells") landing on my abdomen and pelvis.

The sad news is, so far there is no cure for Endometriosis.
The not so bad news is that they can find ways to reduce my pain and with hope, these cells will self-dissolve and disappear in due time.

Don't worry, I will try to stay positive and hope for the best.
Some things are easier said than done. But at least I will try.

The good news is my skin's getting much better *smiles*
But I've been feeling really restless and it's been a long time since I got to have a good sleep/rest
Sometimes I feel workaholic-ish... *shrugs*
Oh, and during night.. or late evenings, I tend to get anxious for no apparent reason

I crave for a full-body massage... to help me loosen up.
If there's like a "spa" for my eyes - I definitely need it because I think I've been staring at LCD screens whenever I'm conscious - be it the monitor, TV screen or the phone..
It's really scary sometimes because my entertainment involves the screen and  yet my career as well.
Sigh, and I can really feel that I blink less whenever I stare - moreover I wear contact lenses, which results to dryness and strained eyeballs... *sigh*

The late night mood swing's kickin' in for sure..
Because it's 1.30am and I still can't sleep - and I feel tired and emo..
and I gotta wake up at 7.30am for work!

This feeling is crazy that I think I'm actually high.
All of a sud, I feel all xxEmoGurlxx again.

...and I feel hungry... I want a bowl of Maggie Mee >_<