My Disappearance
It's actually a good thing that I don't write here that often anymore. Because it's habitual that I spam my blog only when something that makes me really moody happens. So I decided to get a journal instead (like the hard-copy kind) - because it shields me from spreading negativity to the world, and it's more personal. Whenever I feel down, I express my problems in my journal instead - but I made a promise to myself that despite all the negativity poured inside, I have to make an effort to transform my dark moods into goodness - by accepting my problems despite all the pain and torture - and look at it as a challenge and a lesson in life.

Death Notes
It's not easy at first because my first journal kinda backfired into some suicidal book - maybe it was because of the cover (I tend to judge books by its cover) - the cover was black and dark and everything else in it was a disaster - because instead of controlling my emoness, I was actually dramatizing even more.

Sanctuary
So I put that evil book aside, and started a new one. This time I chose a metallic green hard cover with white embossed trees and butterflies - it still looks somewhat gothic, but at least it's pretty and it acts as a peaceful place, like sanctuary. And from then onwards, I kinda merged two different styles of expression - I let myself dramatize at first, expressing all the agony - but after the "release", I take control of my moods by humbling myself to take my problems as a learning lesson.

Humble Lessons
I know that it might seem SAD at first, like I'm a psycho trying to fix my mind. But I actually found myself creating a really good hand book and referral book for my own good - because after much of entries in my lil' journal - I realize that most problems share a common trait, and as long as I refer to my own solutions to counter them, it trains myself to deal with most common problems in my life. And before I know it, I start to write more about happiness and appreciation instead of problems into my journal. I learnt alot. I learn how to treasure friends more, love my family more by accepting most of their flaws, learn how to become more independent, learn how to help people more and become a better person. I'm still all imperfect inside, but at least I'm realizing my imperfections and doing something about it - even if it may be something very small and even if the whole progress might take lots of time and trainning, at least I'm pouring a small amount of goodness in me each day.

The Emo in Me
Despite the change, I'm still myself - my imagination and fantasies, my love and craves for moments with a hint of darkness, I still have the same blood flowing in me - just that I'm not letting my moods destroy me so much anymore, instead, I choose to make an effort to control the emoness in me - I choose to make an effort to dominate it, to let myself take control on how much emoness I want to let go - only then, it will shine as something dark and beautiful and perhaps even benefitial, instead of something ugly and scary. I still have my own stand, I still see 'emo' playing a strong character as an 'expression of emotions' - we are all human, it's our trait to be emotional, it's just the matter of whether you keep it inside, control it or choose to release them. It's really something sincere.

So that kinda explains my disappearance. Maybe if I discovered something worth sharing that's more positive, I'll write it here. But for now, I'm still addicted with the real world...

For those that I may have hurt or caused any misunderstandings, forgive me for my flaws. And for those who are still out there, thanks for your support my friends. I love y'all

Welcome to the world of advertising...
when the deadline's always tomorrow

PMS + TIRED + OVERWORKING

Good food isn't working anymore...
I think I need a full body massage + spa

I've got an allergic attack! And it was RANDOM!
My face got really really itchy and it was FREAKING annoying!
GahHHH... but thankfully it ain't that bad now.
Eew - what's wrong with me.
I don't even know why's my skin so sensitive!
And I really dread the fact that many girls get to put on beautiful make-up and actually get facial products to do magic on them but NO - not me because guess what? My skin REJECTS almost everything!
Sometimes I feel that my skin is such a drama queen - sometimes it's dry, sometimes flaky, sometimes oily, sometimes rosy, sometimes pale, sometimes with rashes, sometimes tanned, sometimes fair, sometimes itchy, sometimes smooth, sometimes not... eeesh
I know that humans are made imperfect but I really hate it when all these imperfections become such a burden!
Oh.. the pain the pain...
Just so you know, if you ever spot me with funny skin texture, it's no surprise - so just sit back and witness my agony.

Okay, enough whining.
I feel better now... see that's really the main reason why I sometimes can't help it but to whine - cause it actually makes you feel better after ~ *grins* Thank God I get to release it in cyberspace HEHE.

One part of me is actually pretty stressed up with the workload that I'm receiving at work (which ain't helping my allergy to fade off) - yet the other side of me just wants to put everything aside and not care anymore - I just wanna sit back and relax and enjoy my day without having that pang of guilt knowing that I have unfinished business to settle.

Anyhow I think that I'm working enough for the shitty pay that I receive - SO...
Time to dowtah.
Ciao

(I think that time of the month is kicking in soon - explains everything doesn't it?)

1. I lift up my pinkie whenever I hold a drink.

2. I like to doodle flowers during meetings.

3. I always have really weird dreams when I sleep, always related to sex / violence / death AND related to family / friends / loved ones. Most of them turn out to be nightmares.

4. I love the feeling of falling deeply in love with an adrenaline rush

... but usually this feeling don't last long.

5. Whenever I become useless or act like a loser, it's due to the fact that I'm brought up by one insanely over-protective mother

...but that's also because she crazily cares too much about me.

6. I may appear shy, weird or introvert or even ignorant at times, but in my heart I really care A LOT!

...that sometimes I actually dislike it - I easily feel a sense of attachment towards someone be it in friendship or relationship. Even when you and I may not be close friends, as long as we are some sort of a real life friend - I may just randomly think about you, reflect an incident that happened between us that affected me in any way, reflect the joy or sorrows that we shared (if any), feel for you or even care for you as creepy as that may sound.

7. I secretly am still the same emo girl that I was before.

I'm always full of drama in my head, just that I might have held back much more recently compared to before. This dramatic rush that I have in me has a good and bad in it that is hard to control - the good side of it is the fact that it helps me feel inspired, it gives me inspiration most of the time and it helps me become more creative and makes me think extraordinarily and sometimes even makes me more daring - and this whole package of emotions really help me in generating ideas in my work, make my life more interesting, make me appreatiate my life more by feeling every bit of it and make me look at things in a different perspective. But this energy may backfire and work the other way round if affected by negativity - which results to depression, suicidal thoughts, self-pity and giving up. However, there's a fine line between the good and bad side of this sensational emotion - LOVE (without the expression of hate or egoistic cover ups) always change the tide - easily.

8. I secretly enjoy really hardcore songs with sex and violence in it or head-banging songs that gets the adrenaline rush. I also enjoy light songs with a haunting sensation such as some songs from Radiohead and the old version of Muse.

9. There's a thin line between the feminine and boyish side of me. Just like how there's a thin line between my preference of colour choices between pink/white and black (but I think I look better in white hehehehe)

10. I actually cry secretly alot - cause I'm just easily moved.

11. I think the reason why I'm like that (refer to number 10) is the fact that I'm trained to be observant, critical and picky over things during my persue to become a designer.

12. I fall in love easily.

13. I fall out of love easily too...

14. I can have a pretty wild imagination - but I don't seem to know where to apply 'em yet.

15. I'm afraid of ghosts. I believe in both science and spirits - and I believe that the world needs a balance of both to survive. I believe that love has a lot to do with the spiritual side of humanity and that the power of love needs to overpower the love for power.

16. I think I have a seriously retarded skeleton, I wish my legs and back were straighter, my shoulders to be lower and my neck to stop sinking into my shoulders.And I think these are some of the reasons why I can have pretty awkward movements.

17. I have a thin line between thinking highly and lowly about myself.

18. I think that I think too much.

19. I hate people who do not listen.

20. I have the habit of going all out black then white then ending up gray when I'm giving opinions - usually in the pattern of going all out negative, then positive then an in between - which is partly why I can end up to be pretty indecisive during choice making sessions.

21. I played DotA since Zion till BS2 till BS3 till Garena till UCPRO and am still playing, but I feel that I'm not as good as before because I don't really update myself that much in the latest gaming strategies no more, however I still enjoy it as a social game.

22. I can't drink. I'm too shy to dance. So I don't club. But I don't mind making out in the club HAHA.

23. I may appear introvert and quiet as a first impression - but if you initiate on conversations, I can follow up really really well and become really talkative that you prolly regret initiating it in the first place.

24. I wish that I'm good in aiming because I secretly love to fight and I feel that aiming is one of the requirements for fighting. I secretly love weapons too.

25. I think Katie Perry's "Hot & Cold" best describes me.

Ahh, I'm pleasantly full and it feels a bit like... bliss.
I just had lunch at Sushi Zen, The Gardens and these are my orders:
1. A bowl of kitsune soba
2. 2 Tamago sushi
3. 2 Salmon sushi
4. And of course, a hot cup of green tea... I had two actually

...and at the same time I was playing this Tycoon fishing game that I got addicted to (I know, I'm a sucker for games).

Actually two random thoughts inspired me to have a Jap meal:
1. Euguchi in the Shinjuku incident had soba in the movie and it looked yummy
2. The fishing game that I was playing on my phone had a sushi restaurant in it which sells sushi...

And just those thoughts made my mouth water, you-see - though I may appear skinny and stick-figured, I can actually have a good appetite ONLY on food/meals that I crave for or enjoy. *grins*

Oh yes, last night I watched the Shinjuku Incident - which I got a lil' disappointed at how many parts was censored off - Gawd, what's wrong with Malaysia? Seriously, it's violation on artworks!

As an overall, I thought the movie was... hmm, how should I put it.
I actually liked the art direction and even the acting, but the plot was so-so.
I definitely didn't like the ending.
Anyhow, I was really glad that I went out with Addy yesterday - if not, I think I would die from emo-ness. A tigress in my house was unleashed - and things got pretty crazy. I was actually chased out of... well, nevermind. I don't like to discuss family issues in public - let's just say that if I'm ever a useless loser in society - it's due to the fact that I'm too overprotected and most of the time, I can't do anything about it.

Kay, let's push away the unhappy thoughts... because I just had a blissful lunch - which is a good start.
Perhaps I should play more fishing games and... feel good surrounding myself with pretty things... such as my new Nokia, my new dress, my new tigh-length cardigan, my mildly glazed nails, the pink wallpapered iMac I'm using now and this brand new hard cover notebook that my colleague Zack got me which smells nice. Thank you "My Favourite Things" from "Sound of Music".