Random Juice
Friday, 12 June 2009
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Bleeding
On Sunday, I felt like I was dying. I feel pain. Pain so great that I couldn't really describe it. It was like a period pain - but very severe that it was disabling. I was trying to cope with it. I tried to throw up in the toilet, I tried to get it out of me. I had diarrhea. And I vomited stomach acid. Or whatever you call it. I didn't eat. I didn't know what was causing such pain - the back of my mind told me that it was due to the coming of menstrual because I go through severe pain every month during my period. So I just told myself to cope with it. I told myself that a billion of other females are going through the same process, and there was no need to be such a weakling. So I tried to hold the pain in. But the more I held the pain inside, the more I get more tense. And the more tense I became, the more difficult I felt it was to breathe. Without my realization I was cold sweating. I felt very weak but when I tried lying down on my bed, I had to keep my knees close to my chest because my body felt painful. I could not relax and I wanted to just squeeze the pain out of my body. So I went back into the toilet to try to "release" my pain through trying to throw up. But nothing is going on except me bleeding all over the toilet bowl... and the pain wouldn't go away. And the more I try to cope with it, the more painful I felt. I felt uncomfortable, I felt tensed, I felt miserable. Tears starts to creep out, not because I told them to, but because the feeling was too overwhelming. And that was all that I could handle. I decided to give up. I decided to let it all go. I decided to just let destiny decide whatever that I am going through and whatever that was going to happen to me. And it was then, that my body collapsed. It was then when I felt pins and needles creeping all over me. My fingers felt crooked. Black spots start to contaminate my vision - and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor.
I think hospital air contains psychological healing auras because once I was transferred to the hospital bed, my pain seemed to fade off bit by bit. I felt more relaxed. And I could finally breathe again.
* * *
They took my blood. And my right arm is bruised - it has an ugly deep red scar that looks like a 2D kidney bean followed by blackness around it and a bit of green and yellow.
The ultrasound was actually painful. I feel pain in my uterus as the doctor rolled her gelled tool over my lower abdomen.
I was told that I have endometriosis.
And this is from Wikipedia:
Endometriosis (from endo, "inside", and metra, "womb") is a medical condition in women in which endometrial cells are deposited in areas outside the uterine cavity. The uterine cavity is lined by endometrial cells, which are under the influence of female hormones. Endometrial cells deposited in areas outside the uterus (endometriosis) continue to be influenced by these hormonal changes and respond similarly as do those cells found inside the uterus. Symptoms often exacerbate in time with the menstrual cycle.
Symptoms:- nausea, vomiting, vertigo or diarrhea—particularly just prior to or during the period
- frequent menses flow or short menstrual cycle
- heavy or long menstrual periods
- some women may also suffer mood swings and fatigue
- dysmenorrhea – painful, sometimes disabling menstrual cramps; pain may get worse over time (progressive pain), also lower back pains linked to the pelvis
- chronic pelvic pain – typically accompanied by lower back pain or abdominal pain
- dyspareunia – painful sex
- dyschezia – painful bowel movements
- dysuria – urinary urgency, frequency, and sometimes painful voiding
Welcome to my world.
For now, I have been given birth control pills to reduce the swelling of my menstruation. Hopefully this will reduce the pain that I go through. The doctor told me that the cause of my fainting spells is actually pain. Pain made me faint. And it wasn't my first time fainting. My blood pressure drops severely when severe pain occurs. The vomiting and diarrhea are caused by the endometrial cells (I'm guessing "womb cells") landing on my abdomen and pelvis.
The sad news is, so far there is no cure for Endometriosis.
The not so bad news is that they can find ways to reduce my pain and with hope, these cells will self-dissolve and disappear in due time.
The only good news, for myself, is to stay positive and hope for the best.
Some things are easier said than done.
But at least I will try.
Monday, 27 April 2009
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All Worn Out
Welcome to the world of advertising...
when the deadline's always tomorrow
PMS + TIRED + OVERWORKING
Good food isn't working anymore...
I think I need a full body massage + spa
Thursday, 16 April 2009
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Random Update
The good news is my skin's getting much better *smiles*
But I've been feeling really restless and it's been a long time since I got to have a good sleep/rest
Sometimes I feel workaholic-ish... *shrugs*
Oh, and during night.. or late evenings, I tend to get anxious for no apparent reason
I crave for a full-body massage... to help me loosen up.
If there's like a "spa" for my eyes - I definitely need it because I think I've been staring at LCD screens whenever I'm conscious - be it the monitor, TV screen or the phone..
It's really scary sometimes because my entertainment involves the screen and yet my career as well.
Sigh, and I can really feel that I blink less whenever I stare - moreover I wear contact lenses, which results to dryness and strained eyeballs... *sigh*
The late night mood swing's kickin' in for sure..
Because it's 1.30am and I still can't sleep - and I feel tired and emo..
and I gotta wake up at 7.30am for work!
This feeling is crazy that I think I'm actually high.
All of a sud, I feel all xxEmoGurlxx again.
...and I feel hungry... I want a bowl of Maggie Mee >_<
Saturday, 11 April 2009
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Random Randomness!
I've got an allergic attack! And it was RANDOM!
My face got really really itchy and it was FREAKING annoying!
GahHHH... but thankfully it ain't that bad now.
Eew - what's wrong with me.
I don't even know why's my skin so sensitive!
And I really dread the fact that many girls get to put on beautiful make-up and actually get facial products to do magic on them but NO - not me because guess what? My skin REJECTS almost everything!
Sometimes I feel that my skin is such a drama queen - sometimes it's dry, sometimes flaky, sometimes oily, sometimes rosy, sometimes pale, sometimes with rashes, sometimes tanned, sometimes fair, sometimes itchy, sometimes smooth, sometimes not... eeesh
I know that humans are made imperfect but I really hate it when all these imperfections become such a burden!
Oh.. the pain the pain...
Just so you know, if you ever spot me with funny skin texture, it's no surprise - so just sit back and witness my agony.
Okay, enough whining.
I feel better now... see that's really the main reason why I sometimes can't help it but to whine - cause it actually makes you feel better after ~ *grins* Thank God I get to release it in cyberspace HEHE.
One part of me is actually pretty stressed up with the workload that I'm receiving at work (which ain't helping my allergy to fade off) - yet the other side of me just wants to put everything aside and not care anymore - I just wanna sit back and relax and enjoy my day without having that pang of guilt knowing that I have unfinished business to settle.
Anyhow I think that I'm working enough for the shitty pay that I receive - SO...
Time to dowtah.
Ciao
(I think that time of the month is kicking in soon - explains everything doesn't it?)
Thursday, 09 April 2009
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Eat Eat Eat
My lunch today:
1. 1 plate cold chasoba (green tea soba)
2. Rokko Sashimi: 1 pc Tuna, 1 pc Salmon, 1 pc Yellow Tail, 1 pc Sweet Shrimp, 1 pc Cuttlefish, 1 pc Octopus
3. 1 California Roll
4. 6 pc Salmon Maki
5. 1 Bowl of Miso Soup
6. 1 hot green tea
7. 100 grams of Famous Amos cookies
8. 1 cup of hot Lipton tea
And I'm not incredibly full... still feel a lil' incomplete. -
25 Random Things
1. I lift up my pinkie whenever I hold a drink.
2. I like to doodle flowers during meetings.
3. I always have really weird dreams when I sleep, always related to sex / violence / death AND related to family / friends / loved ones. Most of them turn out to be nightmares.
4. I love the feeling of falling deeply in love with an adrenaline rush
... but usually this feeling don't last long.
5. Whenever I become useless or act like a loser, it's due to the fact that I'm brought up by one insanely over-protective mother
...but that's also because she crazily cares too much about me.
6. I may appear shy, weird or introvert or even ignorant at times, but in my heart I really care A LOT!
...that sometimes I actually dislike it - I easily feel a sense of attachment towards someone be it in friendship or relationship. Even when you and I may not be close friends, as long as we are some sort of a real life friend - I may just randomly think about you, reflect an incident that happened between us that affected me in any way, reflect the joy or sorrows that we shared (if any), feel for you or even care for you as creepy as that may sound.
7. I secretly am still the same emo girl that I was before.
I'm always full of drama in my head, just that I might have held back much more recently compared to before. This dramatic rush that I have in me has a good and bad in it that is hard to control - the good side of it is the fact that it helps me feel inspired, it gives me inspiration most of the time and it helps me become more creative and makes me think extraordinarily and sometimes even makes me more daring - and this whole package of emotions really help me in generating ideas in my work, make my life more interesting, make me appreatiate my life more by feeling every bit of it and make me look at things in a different perspective. But this energy may backfire and work the other way round if affected by negativity - which results to depression, suicidal thoughts, self-pity and giving up. However, there's a fine line between the good and bad side of this sensational emotion - LOVE (without the expression of hate or egoistic cover ups) always change the tide - easily.
8. I secretly enjoy really hardcore songs with sex and violence in it or head-banging songs that gets the adrenaline rush. I also enjoy light songs with a haunting sensation such as some songs from Radiohead and the old version of Muse.
9. There's a thin line between the feminine and boyish side of me. Just like how there's a thin line between my preference of colour choices between pink/white and black (but I think I look better in white hehehehe)
10. I actually cry secretly alot - cause I'm just easily moved.
11. I think the reason why I'm like that (refer to number 10) is the fact that I'm trained to be observant, critical and picky over things during my persue to become a designer.
12. I fall in love easily.
13. I fall out of love easily too...
14. I can have a pretty wild imagination - but I don't seem to know where to apply 'em yet.
15. I'm afraid of ghosts. I believe in both science and spirits - and I believe that the world needs a balance of both to survive. I believe that love has a lot to do with the spiritual side of humanity and that the power of love needs to overpower the love for power.
16. I think I have a seriously retarded skeleton, I wish my legs and back were straighter, my shoulders to be lower and my neck to stop sinking into my shoulders.And I think these are some of the reasons why I can have pretty awkward movements.
17. I have a thin line between thinking highly and lowly about myself.
18. I think that I think too much.
19. I hate people who do not listen.
20. I have the habit of going all out black then white then ending up gray when I'm giving opinions - usually in the pattern of going all out negative, then positive then an in between - which is partly why I can end up to be pretty indecisive during choice making sessions.
21. I played DotA since Zion till BS2 till BS3 till Garena till UCPRO and am still playing, but I feel that I'm not as good as before because I don't really update myself that much in the latest gaming strategies no more, however I still enjoy it as a social game.
22. I can't drink. I'm too shy to dance. So I don't club. But I don't mind making out in the club HAHA.
23. I may appear introvert and quiet as a first impression - but if you initiate on conversations, I can follow up really really well and become really talkative that you prolly regret initiating it in the first place.
24. I wish that I'm good in aiming because I secretly love to fight and I feel that aiming is one of the requirements for fighting. I secretly love weapons too.
25. I think Katie Perry's "Hot & Cold" best describes me.
Wednesday, 08 April 2009
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Currently
Left Behind
By CSS
Left Behind
see relatedSoba, Sushi and Fighting Negativity
Ahh, I'm pleasantly full and it feels a bit like... bliss.
I just had lunch at Sushi Zen, The Gardens and these are my orders:
1. A bowl of kitsune soba
2. 2 Tamago sushi
3. 2 Salmon sushi
4. And of course, a hot cup of green tea... I had two actually
...and at the same time I was playing this Tycoon fishing game that I got addicted to (I know, I'm a sucker for games).
Actually two random thoughts inspired me to have a Jap meal:
1. Euguchi in the Shinjuku incident had soba in the movie and it looked yummy
2. The fishing game that I was playing on my phone had a sushi restaurant in it which sells sushi...
And just those thoughts made my mouth water, you-see - though I may appear skinny and stick-figured, I can actually have a good appetite ONLY on food/meals that I crave for or enjoy. *grins*
Oh yes, last night I watched the Shinjuku Incident - which I got a lil' disappointed at how many parts was censored off - Gawd, what's wrong with Malaysia? Seriously, it's violation on artworks!
As an overall, I thought the movie was... hmm, how should I put it.
I actually liked the art direction and even the acting, but the plot was so-so.
I definitely didn't like the ending.
Anyhow, I was really glad that I went out with Addy yesterday - if not, I think I would die from emo-ness. A tigress in my house was unleashed - and things got pretty crazy. I was actually chased out of... well, nevermind. I don't like to discuss family issues in public - let's just say that if I'm ever a useless loser in society - it's due to the fact that I'm too overprotected and most of the time, I can't do anything about it.
Kay, let's push away the unhappy thoughts... because I just had a blissful lunch - which is a good start.
Perhaps I should play more fishing games and... feel good surrounding myself with pretty things... such as my new Nokia, my new dress, my new tigh-length cardigan, my mildly glazed nails, the pink wallpapered iMac I'm using now and this brand new hard cover notebook that my colleague Zack got me which smells nice. Thank you "My Favourite Things" from "Sound of Music".
Sunday, 05 April 2009
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Turn On Jor
Today is the day Addy brought me to 1U for present-shoppink
The day started off pretty rough as it was pretty jam and I was pretty cranky prolly due to ealry morning moods - since last night I didn't sleep well.
And I think the weather kinda matched my vibe because it started raining really heavily and because the traffic was so annoyingly jam - I kept whining and making noises which made the rain pour even more heavily.
Then we both got really cranky that we started having bad conversations and created a cold war again.
Until.... we sorta cooled it off and... soon enough we went hunting for nice clothes for me.
I'll upload them pictures later but basically Addy bought me a piece of black and white printed dress from Jaspal - a white short dress from a random boutique and finally a collared office dress from Kitchen. I'm a sucker for buying dresses due to the fact that most commercial sizes don't fit my stick figure, thus I had to really look for 'em in niche places - so no MNG or ZARA this time around, the cuttings weren't body pURrrfect!
And last but not least, Addy also bought me a Nokia E63 in red. Yay, now I can finally return my mum her phone and use one of my own! *smiles*
Saturday, 04 April 2009
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What a Turn Off
My birthday was such a jinx that I really can't believe it.
I think all the bad stuff happened after I made my birthday wish with my cake.
My parents were really sweet - they treated me for a Japanese dinner,
and my mum actually made me an extremely sappy card.
But after I blew the candles, everything just went wrong.
1. I was running late for a FTZ gathering with Snorlax & Co. and I left my Padini suit in the restaurant.
2. Addy kinda got hot-headed with me and gave me the cold shoulder.
3. Addy forgot to turn off the car lights and the car couldn't start and my parents already left for home.
4. Addy and I were still going through the cold war.
5. I cried on my birthday and it's been quite some time since I've shed real tears - and SOMEBODY didn't even bother consoling me.
6. Addy's bro finally came all the way from Sg. Long to jump start the car but Addy took the wrong turn and instead of heading towards Sunway, we were heading towards Cheras.
7. I was at least an hour late for the FTZ gathering.
8. We only won 1 out of 3 games and we lost the last game which left me feeling incomplete.
9. I was dyingly tired and we had to wait for Addy's sister for the keys to enter the house.
10. We waited until at least 4am in order to successfully enter the house.
11. I didn't enjoy me sleep at all - I couldn't even sleep well and I don't even feel in the mood to do anything.
12. And I woke up automatically at 11am feeling restless.
13. I sure hope that tomorrow's a better day.
Maybe I was too greedy making the wish when I blew off the candles, and all that was God's punishment for me.
Dig Me Out
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zzzyan
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- Name: Sze Yan
- Metro: Kuala Lumpur
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 12/29/2004
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